Fed up with Chuckian TerVudian

This message was delivered at an unnamed preacher’s conference at Eagle’s Faith Fellowship University in early 2014. The pastor who delivered the message left ministry soon after, and spent the rest of his time binge-eating Jack-n-the-Box tacos (two for a dollar) and doing CrossFit. He tragically died two months later attempting to jump rope while lifting twice his body weight. An autopsy revealed that an un-chewed half of a taco had lodged in his windpipe.This was his final message.

pastor's conference

I’m fed up with grace. Fed up.

One guy out there, Chuckian TerVudian or some such, is spouting all kinds of liberating mumbojumbo that makes even the nervous busy-bodies rest in the gospel.

Bottom line: if we can’t see results, what’s the point? And what better result than nervous energy, amen?

If you have something terrible in your past, and you don’t think God can forgive it: IT’S BECAUSE HE CAN’T. Your best bet is to join a CrossFit gym, and sweat it out. Seriously. I’ve been very interested in CrossFit lately. My wife says that at my weight, I could really injure myself. But I say, well what’s the best way to get in shape if not to go all out? Hu-rah! She says I said that last time – even the Hu-rah! part – when I began Tae Bo and we both remember how that ended. And technically that’s not true because I remember nothing after I blacked out during the warm-ups.

Grace is a plague. God isn’t in the business of making you feel relieved. Did Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego feel relieved when they were in the fire? No way! They got the heck out of there!

Did God ever put away David’s horrendous sin? Didn’t think so.

We need to silence the grace guys.

Here’s the thing. Maybe Christianity has been a bit pietistic lately. And, yes, maybe preaching solely behavior modification is just a distraction from our glaring spiritual self-absorption. But let me ask you this: has being self-absorbed ever actually hurt anyone? And don’t tell me about the pain of not knowing God loves you – I’ve never once suspected God loves me and I’m not up here whining about it.

Are distractions such a bad thing? Distracting ourselves from spiritual self-absorption is an age-old practice. Adam and Eve made fig leaves when they became lost in the despair of their own sinfulness.

Devoted Christians don’t look outside of ourselves for salvation: we look at our devotion; lest we become the sinner next to Christ on the cross who cried out for salvation. How embarrassing! People were out there trying to celebrate a major holiday, their kids got out of school early, they were only eating fish that day – it was Good Friday for Pelagius’ sake! – and this jokester is up there hollering at Jesus for help. Give me a break! I don’t know why the soldiers didn’t shove a vinegar-soaked sponge down that sinner’s gullet.

I won’t stop being pietistic, because it feels good and my mom prefers it. How hard is it to curse in private, am I right y’all? Keep your sin to yourself – nobody wants to hear your soft-hearted confessions. And for heaven’s sake, stop talking about grace.

Too much freedom and we’re all gonna lose our jobs!

One Comment

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  1. Amen, Jacob!

    We had better get with it and do it soon!

    [audio src="https://theoldadam.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/the-role-of-the-holy-spirit-in-your-sanctification.mp3" /]

    I thought the above was pretty good. Short and to the point.

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