One of my new favorite writers is Matthew Pierce. Fellow Simulblogger Rich pointed me to his wildly entertaining The Exegeticals, a series of comic book-inspired blog posts starring our favorite celebrity pastors.
This excerpt is from his rolling-on-the-floor laughing ebook Homeschool Sex Machine (only 2.99, you won’t regret getting this one). In this section, his mom confronts teenage Matthew about a CD that he received from his crush at church. The crush, Esmeralda, let him borrow a Christian Pop CD, and Matthew’s parents fear the potential ramifications of that promiscuous gesture.
Later that afternoon my mother found me sitting on my bed. She swept into the room with a stern purpose and sat softly beside me.
“We need to talk,” she said ominously.
In the entire history of everything, those words have never meant something good.
My mother proceeded to question me about my relationship to Esmeralda. She needed to know if I was still emotionally pure, because if I was not pure I might want to be alone with Esmeralda, and if we were alone that was kind of like a date, and if it was a date we might kiss, and if we kissed we might have sex. So, obviously, we were at a critical stage.
I gave the requisite denials, but she pressed on: What was all this business about Esmeralda giving me a CD?
Crap. There were no secrets in a homeschool house.
My mother asked to see the CD. She turned the plastic case over and over in her hands, and finally she drew a deep breath.
“This is a test,” she said with certainty.
“A test…from Satan,” she finished breathlessly.
I… uh… wait, what?
I listened intently as my mother wove together a complex explanation that involved the prince of darkness planting a thought in Esmeralda’s head to give me a CD because DISTRACTION, because Easter was fast approaching and this was the only way the devil could keep me from focusing on the true meaning of Christ’s resurrection. Because hormones.
“You need to give that CD back to her, and don’t listen to it at all,” she ordered.
But… but… but…
“You like her, don’t you?”
“You’re attracted to her, aren’t you?”
“How can you claim to be pure?” she demanded.
I opened my mouth to speak, but was cut off.
“Son, 1 Timothy says to treat younger women with absolute purity. Absolute. If you’re attracted to her, how can you be pure?”
Now my Dad was standing in the doorway, arms crossed. I knew that to argue further would be useless. That would lead us to Ephesians 6, about children obey parents NO MATTER WHAT.
As both of my parents glared at me and my renegade hormones, I quietly took the CD from my mother and set it on the nightstand. I nodded my head in resignation and let out a long sigh.
The rest of Homeschool Sex Machine is a breath of fresh air and an essential contribution to evangelical literature. You don’t want to miss this.