No Cellphones at Church

Pastor Karl


If you have a hard time being corrected by people, it is likely because you have a hard time being corrected by God.

/Darrin Patrick/

Dear Congregation,

“Smart” phones. What a joke of a name. I think back to when my mom used to say, “Smart is an attitude, not an electronic device.” Oh, how I wish she could address my congregation.

The saddest part? Our contemporary service doesn’t struggle with this. Based on some schematics drawn up by Roger in our newly-founded Eagle’s Faith Fellowship I.T. department (EFF-IT Department), the older adults are the problem. Roger observed no less than 18 women (ages 58-73) playing Candy Crush, and between 11 and 13 men (all over 60 years old) were resisting the Lord’s work by expanding their Farmville enterprise.

Our stance on Farmville has been clear since we shut down Sheila’s “Farmville through the Old Testament” community group, when it came to my attention that these groups involved Frank’s glaucoma medication (which is still not legal in our state). That said, I am amazed at the Old Testament scholarship that this group produced. I speak on behalf of the elder board when I say: we were all shocked that Frank’s insights on the Hebrew word hesed were published in the American Scriptural Scholarship Quarterly (ASS-Q).

Candy Crush has wreaked havoc on my personal life, and it must end. It is my pastoral duty to take full responsibility for the Candy Crush outbreak of this year. Last December, I introduced Sheila to the app. I remember her searching for it on the App Store. The fact that I was twitching and screaming when Sheila couldn’t remember her password should have alerted me that my affections had grown too great. I was privy to Sheila’s struggles with Farmville Addiction. Her support groups just weren’t working. Can I be blamed for suggesting an alternative? How could I have known it would be worse? How long did it take medical professionals to realize prescribing heroin to recovering alcoholics was going to have a backlash? It took years. I corrected course in a matter of months. Don’t forget that.

If I was honest, I Candy Crush every night before I go to bed. The Pastor’s job comes with many responsibilities. I wake up often in the middle of the night, cold-sweats thinking about tweets or special sermon titles (Tweet Idea: “Let’s do more to do more for longer and more just do more don’t suck anymore. -Jesus” Sermon title idea: “Growing into Growth: How to Grow while Knowing How Much Growth is Your Responsibility, and How Much the Man Upstairs Helps With”). Am I supposed to be an insomniac forever?

Candy Crush helps me sleep.

No more cell phones in church.

Yours by Glory,

Pastor Karl


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